日本

Yes, i am here.

To a whole new, well, probably "different" place might be the right word.

Same place, but different mind set.

The first lesson that I am learning: Not to take things easily. Including myself.

Really appreciate the fact that i actually got this chance to explore myself.

～自分探し

1 year, how much difference will it make, how much of the old me will it change.

I am interested in knowing the answer.

At this moment of my life, strictly speaking, yet to have a personality of my own.

Yet to get a grasp of "me".

Yet to make my visions clear.

I still do not know what i want at the moment.

With this me at this moment, i am clear of the fact that i will not be able to move much further than i am supposed to.

Naked truth.

Like what 渡辺教授said to me during the monbusho interview session, receiving this scholarship, its just a start to everything, the key. The chart he visualized to me was sky high, and i am at the bottom line. And that is when i told him my aim. But, to think of it, is that my real aim? or is it a temporary aim, just to score the scholarship. Whichever is it, I had done it, and got what i wanted in the end. But, i do not want to disappoint him. Which i am afraid i will, if i continue the way i am at the moment.

FRUSTRATION.

I have to put a stop to this whole....lost, unsure, unsecured, aimless, whatever!! status that i am at now. But, i do not know how to, besides studying hard, concentrating hard, doing everything hardcore, and end up feeling lost AGAIN. This time along with exhaustion as well. Tired and hopeless.

This was reflected through my attendance during add and drop week. At first, I attended from the 1st period right up to the last period. And today, I only attended half. Things are getting worse.

Feeling like a headless fly.

Question: What do I really want?